5.30.2007

KGIRL ABANDONS FAMILY TO WOLVES, DAY 3

guest post by chris

Today is farmer’s market day. I love farmer’s market day. My last book was Omnivore’s Dilemma by Michael Pollan, (I highly recommend it) and Kgirl is currently reading the 100 Mile Diet, so we have a whole new level of appreciation for local eating. Maybe one day if I succumb and start my own blog I’ll rant about farms and corn and my teenage years spent working in the fields. I still won’t eat corn to this day. But it’s all corn, man.
Anyways, the point of all this is on my way to the farmer’s market I pass this sign outside the East York Civic Centre, where the market is being held.



Man, some civil servant has a mean streak. Somebody has cried because of that sign.

It’s tears and sad unicorns again after work, so Bee gets a ‘feel better’ freezy, and we go for a ride in the stroller down to Shoppers Drugmart for new diapers and milk. Which is were things started to go awry for the first time this week. See, maybe it’s all the pesticides from the cornfields I walked through, or something, but I can’t remember shit half the time. I mean, there is no long term, short term, or medium term memory. Just no work good.

The good people at Huggies see, have developed a numbering system, and as a backup, a colour system, just for dads like me. If you can’t remember the number, hey, maybe it’s the green one. Or the brown one. Number 3’s with a Green Square? 4s in brown? Bee was definitely in 3’s but did we graduate to 4’s? Brown doesn’t seem familiar. Or is that more of a tan colour? Do I know tan? Is that familiar or do I just think it’s familiar? Did I leave the front door open? ummm, crap.

It takes me a full 5 minutes of wracking my mentally blocked (challenged?) brain before I realize I have, in fact, a diaper on me. Well, on Bee to be exact, who is sitting in her stroller still sucking on her freezy. I’ll just take a quick look.

So at this point for all you moms in Shoppers, I am either the weird ‘call the cops’ guy trying to peek down a little girl’s shorts, or the inept dad who has never changed a diaper before, rather than the truth, that I’m mentally handicapped and civil servants make me cry. Complicating this is I can’t take her out of the stroller or I’ll never get her back in. Either way, I can’t see a number or a colour, and I’m quickly getting odd looks.

“Did you have a pooper, love?” I say really loudly. Ha. No one will suspect a thing.
“No poopers!” Bee says indignantly. Sorry, love.

Back to the shelf full of diapers. I bet it’s green, the number 3’s. They go from 17 to 28 lbs, and Bee is hovering around 24-25. So that’s got to be it. Except, the 4’s go from 22-36 lbs. what the fuck. Why the overlap?

Executive decision says the 3’s. I grab some milk, and on impulse some sliced turkey. Bee and I eat turkey cold cuts all the way home, where, I discover, we already have sliced turkey. And number four diapers.

19 comments:

  1. Does it make me a bad person that your confusion only brings me pleasure and sore muscles from laughing so much?

    oh please start your own blog. Pleeeaaase.

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  2. Sooooo funny.

    At least you had the sense to try to look at the diapers Bee was wearing.

    No offense to my hubbs (who is wonderful in so many ways...in case he is reading..which he isn't) but he would NEVER think to look. He would just pick up a pack...of the wrong brand. Hey, you can't be good at everything right?

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  3. I never understood the poundage thing either. It took me way too looong to come to the conclusion that bigger is better. You can always make the bigger fit, but if it's too small, you're outta luck. Sadly, that's the only smart thought I've had in over two years..

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  4. god, i am developing somewhat of a crush on you over here.

    i mean, you know, in the esoteric sense (calm thyself, KGirl)

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  5. I'm totally impressed with your problem solving skills (trying to look at her diaper). My huz has the same memory problem, but I think he would just totally wing it, and not spend any time trying to identify the familiar colour or work out the overlap factor...

    When we went to South Africa in January we had to buy diapers, and I spent the entire trip thinking that Huggies used different weight categories for the South African market with more overlap across categories, which I thought was very strange. What, are South African babies smaller, bigger than Canadian? Then we got home and I realized that they were exactly the same after all. Must have been the heat...

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  6. Crap. T hat was me not david. Since he got laid off on Tuesday he's been using his google account more than I have and it's totally messing with my comments.

    Please pass on our love to kgirl and our new love for you.

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  7. This was a great read this morning--thanks for the laugh!


    And that sign is So weird!

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  8. Yup. Not that you asked, but no-mo's right. Bigger is definitely better.

    A for effort, though.

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  9. blah, blah, blogMay 31, 2007

    Oh, too funny, kboy.

    You are hitting your blogging stride.

    Jen: get in line.

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  10. You seriously have to start your own blog when kgirl gets back.

    Oh, and Jen? He's cute too.

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  11. Okay. First of all, you rule. Second of all, I think you and Nicholas were seperated at birth. He's ALL ABOUT the farmer's market. And the BBQ. You should check out the bounty of our little island.
    Also, your blogging is quite masterful. Write on daddy o'!

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  12. when in doubt, I always go up. I figure they'll have better holding capacity, anyhow.

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  13. I tried to comment yesterday and Blogger wouldn't let me, grr.

    This was such a suspenseful post! I was armchair quarterbacking the whole way, cheering "Pick the 4's! Pick the 4's!" Alas. (Have you seen the commercial for a hand-held gaming machine where the annoying guy keeps saying, "Clusterbomb!" That was me.)

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  14. Funny stuff, man.

    That sign is killer. Don't they have a proofreader?

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  15. I made the exact same mistake a few months ago. You would think that being the one who changes and buys the diapers I would remember the size. Not that time.

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  16. Ya, I was in the "pick the 4s" cheerleading squad. I'll bet you any money that kgirl would let you have a weekly guest spot. That way we could have all the family-icious fun. Heck, Bee could even do a little guest posting. We could call it "No Poopers Monday" or something to that effect.

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  17. We tend to 'buy up' in diaper sizes... because if their chubby little legs outgrow them, you're screwed. :-)

    These posts have been great.

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  18. ...just checking in on Kgirl and her Dad.

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  19. Good Work Chris!
    The only difference with my husband is that he is in denial about his skills.

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