6.11.2007

There's a What? Where?

Since the nausea stopped at week 13 (thank you, oh hormone-stabilizing goddesses), I kind of have to remind myself that I am pregnant. Well, no, it’s not that I have to remind myself that I am pregnant – the clothes not fitting/busting out boobs/extreme emotions/gluttonous need for ben & jerry’s help to keep the pregnancy real – but I have to remind myself that there’s actually a person in there. That this pregnancy is not just a 10-month state of being, it’s about growing a person.

Chris remarked last night that he felt like he hadn’t spent much time with this baby. Dude, I told him, I shlep this baby around with me all day and I feel like I haven’t spent much time with it. There have been no daydreamy, quiet moments bathed in soft light where I sit, contemplating the being in my belly. There have been no teary, sentimental serenades. There has been no wide-eyed, wondering discovery of fluttery movements that I finally clue into as my babe trying to tell me to shut the hell up, with teeny tiny fists flying.

In a way, it’s been better than all that.

My first trimester was spent in a hyper-vigilant state that wobbled between fear of losing the baby and fear that I wouldn’t make it to the toilet in time and I'd barf on my desk. The past month and a half have brought back a sense of security – in my ability to be a safe incubator, and in the baby’s ability to grow strong.
It’s true – I don’t spend much time contemplating this little being, and the journey we are on. I have a toddler to take care of. When I was pregnant with Bee, she was the recipient of 100% of my maternal focus. She still is. But I’m pretty sure I’m made up of more than 100%.

This baby is getting everything it needs from me right now, and we have our moments.
Being a mother to Soon to Bee means taking care of myself, nurturing my body so that it can nurture my baby; trying to keep the frustration and moments of rage at bay so the baby doesn’t have to deal with my negativity; trying to get Chris to play with my hair as often as possible so that the baby gets lots of relaxing serotonin. We’re ok without the romantic, backlit daydreams that I simply don’t have the luxury of time to bask in. This baby is getting an experienced mother, a more self-assured mother. A mother that knows it’s ok to make decisions and mistakes and choices that other people roll their eyes at and to eat ice cream straight out of the container.

And I know what those little flutters are now, a whole heck of a lot earlier than I did with Bee. And those flutters come just often enough to remind me what all the ice cream eating is for. We have an understanding, this baby and me. We are getting what we need from each other right now. We have our moments, even if the soft lighting just makes me fall asleep.

19 comments:

  1. yes, pregnancy is a different, but just as amazing experience, when you are busy mommying someone who can cry,laugh, fall, and then dance! Still, those moments, and knowing what those flutters are, so precious! Also, falling asleep is always good.

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  2. This was a great read. It spoke so clearly about how the busi-ness of already having one child makes everything different the second time around.

    Don't you just love those little flutters??

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  3. Exactly right. Not everything can be the same for the second child but everything is exactly as it should be.
    Were it not for ice cream right out of the tub I have not idea how my second would have been nourished.

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  4. I am so glad you are feeling better and welcome to the comfort of baby #2. (sort of.)

    Its just different, they are different you are different, you are already a parent...

    I'm sorta jealous, I think I have said that to you before, but you are making me a bit wistful.

    Have you seen the new icecream balls?????????????? Little bite size balls 'robed' in chocolate....ohhhh mama!

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  5. This was so lovely. I almost have a mind to ditch the "plan" and get started. It's funny, though, in so many ways (according to my midwife) my first pregnancy was like a typical second. One of the reasons was that I noticed those flutters so early on.

    Soon to Bee is a very lucky bee indeed.

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  6. Oooh kgirl...you make me flutter.

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  7. When I was pregnant with Oliver I'd kind of 'forget' that I was pregnant. It wouldn't be until I sat down after Julia had gone to bed that he'd start kicking and I'd touch my belly and think, "Oh, yeah!"

    It's much different the second time around...

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  8. Ooh I love this post... lovely! Like Sage, I felt those flutters very early, only MY midwife said it was impossible that I felt the baby so early. But I did. Even the huz felt it around 17 weeks. But then not again for months.

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  9. When I was pregnant with Miss M I never really got into the head space that I was growing a baby. The concept was just too foreign to my then lifestyle. My work colleagues teased me for referring to Miss M as "the fetus"--that it until we named her "Lumpy" and then they really raised their eyes. I often think that if I were to ever get pregnant again, one of the things I would enjoy was the awareness of really, really what pregnancy was all about.

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  10. I thought it would be more "real" the second time around, but it's still so surreal for me. The only reality is that I now know what it will really be like in November. And yet I'm still not prepared.

    Still waiting for the flutters! I'm jealous.

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  11. blah, blah, blogJune 12, 2007

    Beautifully said.
    A timely post for me as well.

    I, too, am finding the second pregnancy so much more surreal than the first. For the first months, I quipped that I was either nauseous, exhausted or not pregnant at all.

    I've even had these strange moments where, contrary to all evidence, I fret I'm not really pregnant and am about to make a fool of myself as I make my first visit to the midwife or come out to the office.

    It certainly doesn't help that I'm pushing five months and, according to others anyway, still not showing (it was six months before my first pregnancy was apparent).

    As a result I've had moments of guilt and I fear that I'm missing out on the joys of this pregnancy; that it will be over before I've even acknowledged it has begun.

    As I read your post I realize that I hold this notion that the second time must take the same path as the first. During my first pregnancy I was so connected with the baby and the changes in my body and so very, very content. (No doubt, the product of endless yoga).

    But you're right: The second time holds its own joys. The early flutters of the 14th week have given way to full-on taps, at prescribed times of the day, as little tiny feet demand I break out of my reverie and pay heed.

    Poor little bugger, not even born and already having to compete for attention!

    So, thanks, kgirl. Cheaper than therapy.

    And, just so you know, I am too showing dammit!

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  12. it's so different the second time around, eh? :)

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  13. I agree with Ali.

    It is really different the second time. With the Happy Boy we talked to him, sang to him, played music to him, and all that stuff. With the Weed, at 8 months, we thought, "man, shouldn't we be doing something with this person growing in the womb?" But with the Happy Boy still being a handful at less than 2 years old, it's the best we could do.

    Best of luck the rest of the way... We'll see you guys at the zoo. We'll be on the look out for a "Bee", you guys look for a happy child and a weedy one. LOL.

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  14. Ah, I'm glad you feel on more solid ground now. I was never really able to reconcile the idea that there was a being in me, anyhow. I still can't. It's just all too weird and sci-fi to get my brain around!

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  15. In some ways, I think the hectic-ness that marks a second pregnancy is slightly reassuring. Less time to contemplate can be a good thing.

    I love those flutters you speak of, and how much earlier you feel them second-go-round. I used to experience what felt like fetal somersaults, well before I could feel the distinct nudge of a kick.

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  16. Kelly, yep, we're definitely entering the somersault phase!

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  17. You almost make me want to be pregnant again.

    Almost.

    And then I smarten up. I'll leave the baby making business to you.

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  18. Oh my, I got teary around "This baby is getting an experienced mother, a more self-assured mother.". So many wonderful ice cream references - yum. I had forgotten how wonderful those day were. Thanks for the reminder.

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