Everybody Should Have Two Kids!

Ohmygod, I’m so good at this!

Everybody said that being a mother of two would be vastly different than being a mother of one, and boy, are they right!

The biggest difference? I’m so good at it! I know! I was kind of surprised too!

But seriously folks, I’m such a superstar. So far, we have made it through the following week-one milestones with absolutely no freaking out:

The projectile super-pooper

When Bee punk’d me at about 4 days old by squirting chocolate-pudding poo all over my hand, I reacted by withdrawing my hand in a flash of movement, sending the aforementioned pudding poo all over Chris, who was unwisely sitting next to me.

This time around, a) it only takes one of us to change a diaper and b) when the 8-day old mustard squirt came at me, I reacted by putting a diaper there as quickly as possible. Yes, I still got it all over my shirt, pants and bed, but not all over my husband. Superstar!

The holycrap-call 911-my-baby-is-possessed-and-choking-and-coughing-up-a-hairball day 1-3 hacking

We never actually called 911 when Bee did this, but do you parents remember the gagging, retching sound that a newborn makes while extracting the last of the pre-natal mucus from her lungs? Scared the shit out of us the first time and left me shaking for a day thinking that something very horrible had nearly happened to my child.

This time? I simply put her over my shoulder for a better throat-clearing position, and let my little kitten cough that hairball up but good. No shrieking, shaking or shock at all.

The nurse your baby laying down sleep deprivation saviour

It took me a good few weeks to figure this one out with Bee, and I was a much happier camper once I finally did.

Now? Dude, I just started nursing this one sitting up. Horizontal parenting is the shiznit.

The what-is-she-doing-what-does-that-mean-what-should-I-be-doing? newborn weirdness

No learning curve this time - I’m bilingual. I speak baby.

That tiny ‘o’ she makes with her mouth? She’s about to poop.

Eyes open, brow-scrunch when she was asleep a minute ago? She has to poop.

Just put a clean diaper on her? She’s gonna poop.

Neck-craning, mouth shut? She needs to burp.

Scrunchy face, hands waving when I thought she was asleep? Needs to burp.

Neck-craning, mouth open? Hungry.

Wildly stuffing both hands in her mouth, grunting and squealing? Hungry.

Really, it’s an easy language to learn – she either needs to poop, burp or eat. I was just a lot dumber the first time around.

The what-should-she-be-wearing-is-she-too-hot-too-cold-I’d-better-disturb-her-8000-times-to-be-sure-she’s-not-too-hot-or-too-cold ridiculousness

Bee was born May 2005, a very warm May. The first time I dared go outside with her when she was a few days old (we got as far as the back deck, how adventurous), I put her in a onesie, a sleeper and a light fleece bunting bag. Then I placed her in the bassinette in the shade and proceeded to poke her and prod her over and over again trying to gauge her temperature. I was so stressed out after 10 minutes that we went back inside and Chris called me a lunatic.

This time? Ok, well, she’s 9 days old and thanks to the c-section we haven’t gone outside yet, but I live in an old, drafty cold house and it’s December. And I’ve barely touched the back of my baby’s neck, trusting that in a sleeper, wrapped in a blanket and next to me, she’s good. We’re good. And I can’t wait to go outside, because I’m going a little batshit stir-crazy in the house, and when we do, by golly, I’m gonna bundle both my kiddies up, and we’re gonna have a crazy good time walking around the block or maybe to Starbucks. Nothing insane about that.

So to sum up:

Baby #1 – scary, confusing and hard.
Baby #2 – piece of cake, and I rock.

It’ll always be like this, right? Even when the painkillers wear off? Maybe I'd better save a few for when they're teenagers.



  1. Omigod is the second one easier! I am SO with you. I keep wondering what my problem was the first time. Why did I find it so hard??

    Now, of course, the main problem we are having is with Number 1. Not sure he's liking the new family configuration so much.

    (Lemme know when you're feeling up to getting out. I'm just starting to myself)

  2. That's what Mo-Wo said, too. That is good news to me, because I am terrified that if we do actually pull this thing off, I won't be able to handle it.

    And painkillers? You are on painkillers? Maybe that would have made it less painful... Huh.

  3. Ok if I decide to have another, please come over! The thought of #2 still scares me, but it's great to hear that you are doing well and so far it's not so bad.

  4. You are a mothering rockstar. I bow to your supreme mothering skills.

  5. Damn, high five sister friend - almost makes me want to get pregnant. Almost.

  6. You totally rock. You and your mad horizontal nursing skillz. Let us know how the starbucks roadtrip goes. Getting two out the door is an accomplishment of epic proportion.

    However I do agree that #2 is easier no matter what. Even mine.

  7. you are golden!

    you are a superstar!

    i'm typing with one hand cause i'm nursing the baby!

    i agree about the easier part - and the baby speak recognition.

    have 3!


  8. when I had my third it was so easy it became comical. Watching me with him, my mother said - your third makes the other two worth having. She said this to me. I was her second. Still, I saw her point. Those were the happiest of all my post-partum day.

  9. Oh, the second baby is SO much easier - just knowing what you're actually doing makes ALL the difference. And also knowing that the crazy poop is normal.
    And yeah, the second kid stays easier. I've heard that you barely even NOTICE by number 4...

  10. There were all kinds of things Bub did that were NOT in the textbook and freaked me out ... and then Pie did every single one of them too. So much easier the second time.

  11. I know, #2 makes you feel so together. Save the painkillers, we'll mix them with my old anti anxietals and shoot tequila.

  12. You totally rock! You've got crazy mad parenting skills.

  13. LMAO. It IS easier with #2. I routinely walk around while breastfeeding the baby this time. Never could have done that with baby #1 so soon!

  14. Everything is easier with two! When they grow up, they bug EACH OTHER instead of you - or, at least they start with each other.

    Now, what will I have to say about three? I've already forgotten half the newborn stuff you mentioned - thanks for the refresher course!

  15. See, I knew it. I knew you'd rock it.

    And I could hook you up with my leftovers from my wisdom tooth extraction, if you want the haze to last a little longer...they'll be dead by the time these kids are teens, anyway.

  16. I knew you'd rock it.

    This gives me hope, K.

  17. I think I'll have to point Sugar D this way. I've been having some serious #2 thoughts but he's balking.

  18. I am in awe of your skillz. I hope I can be an awesome mom to two just like you!


    Dude, you should totally save some of those pills for when they're teenagers... I know for sure, I'm going to need a stash if they're anything like I was!

  19. So glad you're rocking this two-child bidness. My second born was a bit of a hellion, so my adjustment, or my lack thereof...ahem..came a bit later. But the freakiness of having a newborn was greatly diminished, as was the doubt that I could care for her, physically and emotionally.

    Everything is going so well! Congrats. You so rock.

  20. Second time's a charm. My second was definitely easier and still is.

  21. now what happens when they get up at different times in the night? you take turns? you just never sleep ever? you get up for both? man i don't know if i'll ever be able to do this.

  22. highwaisted - you get a king-sized bed ;)

  23. you're kicking my *ass* with this. seriously. stop it. I need some tummy down-time considering I'm developing an ulcer. i.e., okay, I get it. funny is your strong suit. now would you please take a break and pretend to be exhausted for a second so that those of us who aren't as funny can maybe get a second to preen our broken egos? iow, you're funny and I'm not, and it's true cause I say so. plus I'm jealous at how well you're handling it all.

    yes. jealous. and happy for you. all at the same time.

    the end.

  24. I don't know you either, but 1) you're hilarious and 2) you're Christmas card suggestion rocks! Proving, yet again, you are indeed a superstar. Thanks for visiting my blog! (I will definitely be back...)

  25. You will always be like this. Pinky swear.


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