Things That Go Bump

Falling, bumping, spilling, dropping, breaking, tripping, stumbling, slipping, dripping: forget language, independence or defiance – these are the true hallmarks of toddlerhood.

Honestly, I think that, as far as toddlers go, mine is pretty darn graceful, but man oh man, she has her challenges.

Spilling, not surprisingly, is one of them. Not one to accept a sippy cup, my daughter’s beverages end up on the floor as often as they do in her mouth. It seems as though as soon as she puts her cup down it is rendered invisible, and she is as apt to kick it, bump it, push it or hit it as she is to pick it up and take another drink. Now, this trait she comes by honestly; her father is a champion drink spiller, and has – I swear this is true – spilled his beer from across the room. Remember the game Mousetrap? His beer-spilling feat from 3 metres away was like the most successful game of Mousetrap you’ve ever played. Just not for the white rug.

Ok, anyway, the spilling she gets from her father, and we may as well credit him for the dropping, breaking and dripping too (plus burping, tooting, any other noxious emissions and forgetting where she put things – all him). But the rest of it? The general spazziness of the toddler set? Sigh. It can be cute, the way these tiny people learn the use of limbs and the laws of gravity, but as a mother watching, kissing better and cleaning up after the many foibles of her three-year-old? Well, it’s exhausting.

Barely a week goes by that Bee does not fall off of something. Couches, ottomans, stools, chairs, counters – they are all fair game, and while thankfully, we have had no serious accidents (knock on wood, spit into the wind, throw the salt and don’t tempt fate), my heart drops and my pulse accelerates with every thud, bonk and bounce my little monkey incurs.

When talking about the things no one tells you about having children, I skip right over the pain of childbirth, fierceness of love or sleep deprivation part, and head straight to the, ‘Your toddler will be a spazz’ part. I really do wish somebody had warned me about it because it is this aspect of having a child that has truly surprised me. I mean, I spent time around little kids before I had any, but good lord, you don’t realize just how often they break things until the things they are breaking are yours.

So, my advice to all of you who do not yet have toddlers: put away anything that you don’t want ruined, emptied, broken or wasted; always have a stock of band-aids and superglue on hand, and if you want to be really safe, don’t teach your kid how to walk.

I’m kidding of course, about that last part. A little. Oh and hey, anybody out there know how to get sunscreen out of a wool couch?



  1. Wait until both of you girls can walk! Then it will really be party time around there!

  2. Baby powder on the sunscreen? Works on grease.

    Tina Fey once said that having a toddler is like living with a "drunk midget". Not exactly P/C, but kind of accurate, nonetheless.

  3. My little monkey has two big scrapes on her knees! But...erm...her mama (moi) has 2, as well!!! ;)

    NO idea about the sunscreen. I'd say douse it with water. I always feel like if you put enough water on ANYTHING it'll come out (unless it's been there for a longish while).

  4. The Boy trips on absolutely flat, even ground. All. The. Time. It's freaky.

    If you find out about the couch, lemme know, I have to get a patch out of a certain someone's sunhat..

  5. You know, mine generally does pretty well, but today I witnessed her going totally ass over teakettle just because she was running too fast. Seriously, she has scrapes on knees, elbow, and FOREHEAD. What?!

  6. Sometimes I can't help but laugh at my kids when they fall. I mean, they trip over AIR, for crying out loud. They are the clumsiest kids EVER.

    And they both are covered in scrapes and cuts and bruises...Julia's got road rash all down her leg from a fall last Sunday and Oliver had this huge thick scab that just fell off today on his elbow - the thing had been there for weeks, it seemed.

    I used to worry that people would look at my kids and get the wrong idea but now? I think their bumps and scrapes and scratches are a sign that they're having fun being active.

  7. Um, sunscreen on couch = yuck.

    That aside, I understand that using Dawn detergent is supposed to be fantastic for taking grease stains out of clothing. You could try a bit of that, then rinse with tonnes of water.

    Good luck!

  8. "my advice to all of you who do not yet have toddlers: put away anything that you don’t want ruined, emptied, broken or wasted; always have a stock of band-aids and superglue on hand, and if you want to be really safe, don’t teach your kid how to walk."

    So true, so very VERY true. And I needed that last piece of advice about a year and a half ago - I tried pushing her down all the time but goshdangit she still figured how to walk.

  9. Mine used to be graceful. I think she is now trashing the place on purpose.

  10. My cousin who has older children said to me, "Once your kids starts walking, just take them to the ER and have stitches put in somewhere. They're probably going to need them anyway."

    We did okay until age 2 when my eldest feel headfirst out of a shopping cart. Her next fat of daring was slipping on a rug and needing stitches in her chin. Now she is working on her axel jump in figure skating. I can't figure how she went from slipping on rugs to flinging her body into the air intentionally.

  11. When I was pregnant I liked to joke to my husband: "I hope jr. gets your athleticism and my disposition." Nope. We have a misanthropic spazz on our hands.

  12. blah, blah, blogJune 16, 2008

    Not to mention that sweet Bee has an iron clad memory regarding boo boos inadvertently caused by others!

  13. As I read this, my 2year old is sporting a huge goose egg on his noggin from opening a door into his own head.

    Sponge door in my future?

  14. So so true. And here I thought my daughter was the only one that tripped on air.

    The funny thing is that I have a friend who warmed me of this a year ago but I did not take her seriously...boy was I wrong.


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