We Are Horrible Parents

guest post by chris the husband

It took awhile to get Bee to sleep tonight. She dawdles, stalls, makes repeated demands another story, the other blanket, to sleep in my arms, for mama to tuck her in, etc.
I know careers have been made by various authors offering various sleep solutions, but each methodology without exception ignores the elephant in the room, the heart of the issue.

They know the moment their eyelids drag themselves down, down, down into sleepy-time, mum and dad open the door to the chocolate fairy. Who is awesome.

As our kids slowly kick their covers off, they know in their hearts that we are opening up that cupboard under the sink with the childproof lock on it. You know, the one we tell them is filled with bad chemicals they should never ever touch, but actually contains all the best toys in the world. The one’s we’re playing with as we put in our favourite Backyardigan video while eating chips and chocolate ice cream? On the couch!

Yes, you see, our kids are perfectly justified in pulling out every stop not to go to sleep, because it is all true. Everything they suspect that happens when they are asleep, happens. All the time.

To give a recent example, the family and I were enjoying a nice afternoon in the Distillery District, and Bee, assuming we where just going to look at more boring art galleries where she wasn't even allowed to add to the pictures, crashed out in her stroller along with Dove.

We dropped the art appreciation act and ran here. Immediately.

Soma Chocolatemaker's chocolate labratory. A labratory for chocolate. Yes. As long as you stand behind the glass and avoid direct eye contact, you can watch the magical fairy creatures buzzing about like mad, making new forms of chocolate.

This is the main lab. It's shiny and round and full of chocolate and rainbows and children's dreams. *not pictured - rainbow and children's dreams. I have no idea what it does, but it's fantastic. Did I mention it's full of chocolate?

There was also a faucet there that never stopped spewing liquid chocolate into a vat, like some fountain of eternal youth, if eternal youth meant obesity, acne and early onset diabetes.

A magical elf man in the 'gelato lab' making pure chocolate from other magical elves. It's horrible, but it's how chocolate is made.

Bee slept peacefully no more than two feet from the thin glass partition that separated her from a fantastic land full of jittery chocolate highs and sweet sugar crash lows. Dove slept unaware, dreaming of that one taste of choclate popsicle kgirl once gave her.
I must say here that our children are the most beautiful when asleep, and I love them so fiercely it makes me cry. That said, it was time for ice cream! Yay! ice cream!

We hurried with our treats down the street and sat at a bench and ate our goodies, (Kgirl got chocolate and pistachio ice cream, and I got a double scoop of chocolate and coconut) and we laughed and laughed and laughed, but quietly, so as not to wake the children.

Yes we are horrible parents.


  1. Ooh, that is totally Willy Wonka land... and you, without your Oompa Loompas to enjoy it.

    (You see, I always tell mine that I have things to do, like laundry, when I tuck her in. Booo-ring. But often true.)

  2. Bee naps in your stroller?
    mine never sleeps.

  3. Throw in a beer lab, vodka research centre, and margarita symposium and you would be bad parents (the kind of bad parents I'd hang out with). Mmmmmmmm a non-shedding chocolate lab.

  4. Ha! You make me laugh.

    Because it's true..

  5. It is completely true - as soon as our twerps are asleep, our house is "party central". Especially if by "party central" you mean "mom and dad watch tv and play scrabble while drinking tea."

  6. Oh. My. Lord.

    I did have a good laugh at this one.

    Now the question... was there any incriminating evidence left at the corner of your mouth to give you away?

  7. Its always nice to have you back Chris.

    Those poor kids....growing up with the likes of you.

  8. I think that you two rock! I would have been right there with you...I would have had coconut and perhaps grapefruit. Or, vanilla is always a classic. Have you tried rhubarb? Yum!

  9. Oh dear. I had a hard time reading this as I'm slobbering all over the screen.


    It's the place where all my dreams come true...

  10. What a beautiful, happy place. Yum.

    And hey, we have a big stash of ice cream and cookies that we only bring out after the kids go to bed. They're still too young to appreciate good snacks, so we happily sneak food.

  11. Omigosh, CHOCOLATE. Must have some NOW!!!

  12. hahahahahaha

    Poor deprived children. Not. ;-)

  13. I would like to join this naughty parent chocolatey gelato club.


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