7.13.2008

Squidnuts

It’s not fair, she said.

I know.

It’s been almost a year, she said.

I know.

People think it should be better by now. It’s not. It’s not better. It’s not easier, she said.

I know.

The only thing that’s changed is that the shock has worn off, and now I have to face the realization that this is the way it’s going to be for the rest of my life, she said.

I know.

I miss him, she said.

I know.

I miss him so much, she said.

I know.

There are so, so many people that hate their fathers, that say that they can’t stand their fathers and don’t want anything really to do with them, she said.

I know.

We had such a good father, she said.

I know. I know.

I’m only 22, she said.

I know, love. I know.

I want him back, she said.

I know.

Some days I’m not sure I can get up, she said.

I know.

Some days I just want to lay in bed and cry all day, she said.

I know.

Some days I just don’t know what to do, she said.

Call me, I said.

Ok. I’ll call you next time. I’ll call you and we can just have a codeword so you know that it’s that kind of a day and I just need to talk about it. So what should our codeword be, she said.

Squidnuts, I said.

She laughed, and my heart broke into a million pieces.

***

17 comments:

  1. squidnuts - love it. Everyone needs a friend like you. Your sister is very lucky.

    It is so very odd to me that people think you should get over this kind of loss. How would you ever? You are never the same. It makes me understand so much more the little Italian ladies who wear black for the rest of their days.

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  2. Oh K, squidnuts is just perfect. You are one in a million.

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  3. My dad died my freshman year of college, I was 19. I don't think it is even remotely possible to "get over it." The only thing I've been able to figure out is that it will never hurt less, only less often. I don't know if that makes sense. I don't mean for months at a time, more like hours maybe someday it will be longer? I'll turn 26 a week from today, we shared the same birthday. Oddly, I can get through days like that, but I can't buy peanuts without breaking down in the store, he loved peanuts. So, here's to your squidnuts.

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  4. I think your dad is laughing his ass off wherever he is. About the squidnuts of course. But I am sure he is so sad for the two of you.

    I had a troubled relationship with my dad. I was 25 when he died. And it tore me apart.

    Grief sucks. i'm so sorry Kgirl. For you and your sister.

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  5. To my mother, I am an only child. My father went on to have two more children, but I was my mum's one and only. And I never minded that until she got sick and died. Then I wished for a sibling, someone to share this horrible journey with, someone who was there and who knew and understood and felt the same way I did. That's the only time in my life when I wished I had a sibling.

    I'm glad you have each other, you and your sister. I love your codename. I love the idea. I hate that you guys are going through this, but I love that you have one another.

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  6. Lisa - We have often said that it would be good to mourn old school - throw our bodies on the casket and scream at the heavens.

    Em - I totally get it. I do.

    Crazymumma - Yeah, it doesn't really matter, does it?

    MamaT - We are two of four. And we are all close. We have shared this, and it has helped. I wish you had someone to help in that way.

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  7. I'm sorry. I've known so many people who've lost someone huge in their lives - a parent, a sibling, a child - and they've all said that you never get over it, you just learn to live on the edges of this loss. It's hard.

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  8. As an only child, I have to second what MamaTulip said. I know what you are dealing with is painful, but at least you aren't feeling it alone.

    And now you have a word to think about when you need to laugh. Squidnuts. I don't know what it is, but it's funny.

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  9. Squidnits is good...

    You're lucky you and your sister can talk about missing him... my sister doesn't really want to hear about it from either me or my mom for some reason... she announced she just wanted 'closure' at week 2 (a term which really means absolutely nothing imo. sigh).

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  10. I can't even wrap my head around it and I hope my sibs can offer the same kind of support that you two have. You are so lucky to have each other. Squidnuts can only be a good thing (to borrow from crazy ocd lady Martha).

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  11. You are the sister I wish I had. It's good you have each other.

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  12. Oh, honey. I"m glad she has you and your strength and your humour. And I'm glad you have your girls as well, to help you keep those things.

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  13. I am so glad that you guys are there for each other - your father would be proud.

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  14. I know.

    When my mom died I told my husband that he was not allowed to come home with me for the funeral b/c if he did I would rely on him. My little brother did not/does not have a life partner. I couldn't let him go through the funeral alone. I simply could not.

    Mama T made me cry.

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  15. you are so lucky to have each other. i'm sure it helps.

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Talk to me.