Lately, on blogs/facebook/twitter (really, what’s the difference anymore?), there’s been a lot of chatter regarding people’s Bucket List, and their antithesis, the much more entertaining, F*ck It List.
Never one to turn down the opportunity to shamelessly tell you even more things that you didn’t want to know about me, I have been tempted to indulge in the writing of one and/or both of these lists. However, as I mentally started compartmentalizing all the fascinating shit I have partaken in or recoiled from, a new list sprang up.
I’ve called it the Upchuck It List, and it is comprised of all the wonderful things I never thought I would experience – until I became a mother.
Item #1 on the list, and its inspiration, is the joy that is being puked on by another human being. So while you may muse over the things you must do before you die, or the things you would rather die than do, I will wax poetic about the many ways motherhood has warped my brain.
I give you,
Kgirl’s Upchuck It List
Fifteen things I never thought I would do until I became a mother:
1. Get puked on by a tiny person.
2. Put out my hand to catch the puke of a tiny person, because I am easier to clean than the couch.
3. Consider a vacation at Disney World.
4. Consider purchasing, and thereby driving, a minivan.
5. Consider 8:30 am, sleeping in.
6. Say no to a social outing because it would mean leaving the house after 9pm.
7. Proclaim the day to be half-over already at 10am.
9. Use the term ‘poopers’ in daily conversation.
10. Rage about the cost of diapers, baby shoes and/or bread.
11. Get up, get dressed and leave the house without ever turning on a light or looking in a mirror.
12. Keep a food calendar, and not because I have an eating disorder.
13. Nod off in movie theatres, on the couch or at my desk, and not because I have a sleeping disorder.
14. Regard a portrait of a lopsided ballerina in crayon as the greatest work of art the world has ever been given.
15. Look at two tiny, sleeping girls, silently utter the words, I would die for you, and mean it.
So, what’s on your Upchuck It list?