Bucket, F*ck It, Upchuck It

Lately, on blogs/facebook/twitter (really, what’s the difference anymore?), there’s been a lot of chatter regarding people’s Bucket List, and their antithesis, the much more entertaining, F*ck It List.

Never one to turn down the opportunity to shamelessly tell you even more things that you didn’t want to know about me, I have been tempted to indulge in the writing of one and/or both of these lists. However, as I mentally started compartmentalizing all the fascinating shit I have partaken in or recoiled from, a new list sprang up.

I’ve called it the Upchuck It List, and it is comprised of all the wonderful things I never thought I would experience – until I became a mother.

Item #1 on the list, and its inspiration, is the joy that is being puked on by another human being. So while you may muse over the things you must do before you die, or the things you would rather die than do, I will wax poetic about the many ways motherhood has warped my brain.

I give you,

Kgirl’s Upchuck It List

Fifteen things I never thought I would do until I became a mother:

1. Get puked on by a tiny person.
2. Put out my hand to catch the puke of a tiny person, because I am easier to clean than the couch.
3. Consider a vacation at Disney World.
4. Consider purchasing, and thereby driving, a minivan.
5. Consider 8:30 am, sleeping in.
6. Say no to a social outing because it would mean leaving the house after 9pm.
7. Proclaim the day to be half-over already at 10am.
8. Cross-stitch.
9. Use the term ‘poopers’ in daily conversation.
10. Rage about the cost of diapers, baby shoes and/or bread.
11. Get up, get dressed and leave the house without ever turning on a light or looking in a mirror.
12. Keep a food calendar, and not because I have an eating disorder.
13. Nod off in movie theatres, on the couch or at my desk, and not because I have a sleeping disorder.
14. Regard a portrait of a lopsided ballerina in crayon as the greatest work of art the world has ever been given.
15. Look at two tiny, sleeping girls, silently utter the words, I would die for you, and mean it.

So, what’s on your Upchuck It list?



  1. funny post.

    so true about the puke huh?
    and everything else for that matter.
    who knew?....

  2. What a great list...OMG I never, ever thought my life would look like it does today!

  3. The things I thought I would never, EVER do as a mother: 1) extended breastfeeding - yuck! (I am now nursing a 3+ year old); 2) co-sleeping - yuck! (not only are we co-sleeping with the 3+ year old, we will add the baby - somehow - to the mix); and 3)letting a child run around naked - how unseemly! (My child is naked about 90% of the time. I do require that she wear clothes when people come over or we go out. Other than that, it is nakedville.)

    What the hell happened to me??

  4. Nancy - same thing that happened to me, I guess. We are 4 in the bed too. Get used to being squished.

  5. My brother is expecting his first child and he and his wife have a hilarious list of all of the things they will never, ever do as parents. Hee hee hee hee.

    Our minivan was the greatest purchase EVER. It is like a house on WHEELS.

  6. This is hilarious.
    There must be so many but right now I am just thinking that I never thought I would find my job a relaxing retreat from being at home.

  7. Okay, here's one:

    I never thought I'd be picking barfed up carrots out of my bellybutton at a public swimming pool.

    A true story.

    I'll lurk a while longer, and then maybe I'll tell you about the Great Poo Apocalypse of 2004.


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