3.10.2010

Not At All

Not at all.

That was my answer. And it surprised me.

The question had been, So, do you want another?

A coworker asked me the question, as part of a casual conversation – as casual as it could possibly be, since we were having it in the women’s washroom – and the rapidity of my response surprised me even more than my answer.

Not at all. I do not want another baby.

We had been discussing the fact that our youngest, our babies, were really, no longer babies. Hers is three, mine is now two. Not babies.

And for the first time in a very long time, I do not feel the need to mother a baby. To be pregnant. To give birth again, even though my second birth was in no way the birth I had been hoping for, and for a long time I thought I deserved a do-over.

But I no longer want it. This is big, people, as big as my belly ten days overdue; as big as my baby lust has been for over five years. I had no idea that the baby lust had deflated so significantly, until my coworker asked me a casual question in the bathroom at work and I answered in less time than it takes for Sarah Palin to say something stupid at a press conference.

Not at all.

Crazy talk for me. It must be the lack of sleep deprivation talking. Or maybe it’s the bras I can finally fit into again now that, for the first time in 66 months I am I am not pregnant and/or breastfeeding. Maybe it’s the jeans I can do up, now that my body is growing accustomed to not needing to hoard calories since – did I mention? I am not pregnant and/or breastfeeding for the first time in 66 months.

The truth is, life is getting easier. My kids sleep. Finally. Yes, sometimes they still sleep in my bed, but I can handle that. And now that it’s not both of them, every. Single. Night. I actually enjoy it more. The girls play together, mostly peacefully, all the time. It’s adorable, it’s what I had hoped for, and it frees me up to get to the glamourous stuff, like reading a magazine or folding laundry.

We went on vacation a couple of weeks ago, and it was awesome, but I can’t fathom how we would have managed it with three small children. I mean, sure, stronger women than I will do it successfully, but the logistics were mind-blowing with only two small kids. Add a broken stroller (seriously) on the way there and a broken carseat (SERIOUSLY) on the way home, and I’m pretty sure I would have had a full-on meltdown if I had also had to stop in the middle of the late-night chaos of the airport to breastfeed a baby.

There’s almost no question of us having another baby, anyway. And as much as the reality that, at barely 35, my childbearing years are behind me, is sometimes a sad pill to swallow, we actually made the practical decision not to have any more kids a year and a half ago, when Chris valiantly went through The Big Snip.

But I still had a baby at that point. I still had huge boobs and could barely fathom being out of baby-hood, let alone the emotional reality of never being in it again. Today, like my coworker reminded me, I’m all out of baby.

And like I said to her, much, very much, to my own surprise, I am a-ok with that.


Perfect



***

18 comments:

  1. Lovely.
    I am not 100% there yet, maybe 99.9%

    such a cute photo. maybe that will work for mine?

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  2. I am still going back and forth on this. But I will say that as my toddler is less baby and more toddler every day, I'm finding it harder to see how I would start all over from scratch. I hope that, soon, I will find some more peace with the idea of being done.

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  3. oh we are right there, right now with the another baby question. my husband is threatening me with the big v (the bastard), I am %99.99 sure I'm done (I mean my daughter just stopped breastfeeding every six minutes yesterday and wouldn't take a bottle unlessed starved!) But its that new baby hit that makes me unsure, that feeling when you hold your baby right after birth, its like a drug. the new baby hit could make me have 20 babies and end with my husband saying, "Nicole, your addiction is effecting me negatively in the following ways," on an episode of Intervention.

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  4. Ditto.... Not at all. I was ready as soon as Rascal popped out. I couldn't do another pregnancy, and I feel so complete with my two kids.

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  5. My youngest is 1 and I have no idea whether the future holds a third for us. My husband is banking that time will make me feel as you do, done! I'm not so sure, but I'm hopeful that when it comes time to decide I will be sure. Cause even though a part of me wants it, another part is FREAKED at the idea.

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  6. My youngest is 1 and I have no idea whether the future holds a third for us. My husband is banking that time will make me feel as you do, done! I'm not so sure, but I'm hopeful that when it comes time to decide I will be sure. Cause even though a part of me wants it, another part is FREAKED at the idea.

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  7. I am there too. All done. The surgery was had and that is that. I had some doubts right after, but then the kids started sleeping badly again and I remembered that I really am ready to move forward.
    It feels nice to be happy with the decision.

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  8. Yeah, just talking about a third makes me nervous and stressed. Two works for me. It works for me quite nicely.

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  9. Auntie JennoMarch 11, 2010

    I always thought I'd have lots of kids, like our mother did, but life has had other ideas. And now that my daughter is almost 12 I think things like 'now would be the perfect time to have another because Maya can raise it!' or ' there are so many beautiful things to dress a baby in these days.' Then I go back to reading or sewing or doing what ever I'm doing quietly. So I think I'm over it.

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  10. I wasn't certain that I wanted any kids. Once we had one, I wasn't certain that I wanted another one. Once we had another one, I was CERTAIN that I didn't want a third. Funny how certainty works.

    That picture is absolutely beautiful.

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  11. Yeah, I'm definitely done, even though to MY surprise, I'm realizing I will miss the older baby/toddler stage a LOT when this is gone. I'm a bit sad at that already. But again, I know it will get easier, as it had been with Pumpkinpie before we added in The Bun. Those soft, chubby cheeks, though, they will call to me for a long time.

    (and that photo - the cuteness!)

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  12. As I read this I am on vacation at Great Wolf with my 4 kids. I am hoping on our lastnight of 4 will be an early night. I finally know that I am out numbered with them and totally done with having more. I love them all and all their different personalities. Each stage has different challenges and I am looking forward to move from the stages I have done many times and continue with the new stages.

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  13. I can't even imagine 3!

    I LOVE this picture.

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  14. Such a beautiful, beautiful photo.

    I wish I had this kind of peace and certainty.

    I am not done at all. Not done by a long shot. But as it turns out, it's not up to me.

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  15. I feel very much the same. I met up with a group of women that I went to college with last weekend, and met two of their babies. I held them and played with them and smelled them and touched them...and not once did I get any pangs at all.

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  16. Funnily enough, even with 3 lovelies (one of which still a baby!) I still get asked if we're going to have another. No. We're done as well ... three was our number. Hubby went off to the doc to ensure that Lambchop would be our last a mere two months after she was born

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  17. I wanted to let you know that I have given you a blog award for being an honest blogger. Please visit my blog to accept it!

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  18. Hello,
    We just got in from the park. Great to see you and the whole gang. I will be back to your blog for more mommy blogging goodness, though I may never look at your husband the same way after reading your recent post - har har.
    Duncan's blog is http://railroadkid.blogspot.com
    My thrifty vintage stuff blog is http://torontoyardsaler.blogspot.com My other blogs are linked on that one too.

    Fantastic writing. I can see why you've won so many awards. A book deal must be on the horizon.
    All the best,
    Erin

    ReplyDelete

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